Rand Paul

Rand Paul Releases Annual Report Detailing $900 Billion In Government Waste

No matter how big the federal budget is, the amount being spent always seems to be less than the government claims it needs but exponentially more than it can actually afford. Which means it’s exponentially more than we, the taxpayers, can afford. But at least that money is being spent on important things. Things we need. Things that improve our quality of life. Things like… snipping cat brain stems and making them walk on treadmills.

Man, I can already feel my quality of life improving!

No matter how much of my money the government takes from me, no matter how much companies have to raise their prices to make up for the money the government takes from them, I never get angry. I never get angry because I know that these are necessary sacrifices for the common good of my fellow Americans. I mean, how else is the government supposed to fund a study to measure how hot dog buttholes are after a summertime walk?

Crippled cats and hot buttholes are just two of several extremely important things the government has spent $900,000,000,000 on, according to Rand Paul’s annual Festivus Report.

I don’t know what I’m happier to have sacrificed my money for, the transgender monkeys or the collective chunk of money larger than the GDP of most nations that the federal government spent on accident.